Dead on The Inside

I debated on deleting the last post. I debated on not writing another. Growing up in group homes and foster homes there was always a common trend. The people who cried loudly for attention. Now I am going to sound like a huge bitch here, but I am going to be honest. Those attention seekers ruined most of my time in foster care. They proclaimed their want to commit suicide even though all they would do is bitch and moan when people weren’t giving them the overwhelming attention that they demanded. They talked about their woes to anyone within ear shot. I imagine these attention seekers are the ones who grew up to complain about their drama every day on facebook.

So the idea of me writing my problems on a daily basis for a bunch of strangers feels a bit like those attention seekers who took up the staff at my group homes so quieter kids like myself never got attention.

Sadly, I’ve gotten to the point where I feel dead inside. Like nothing matters. Like every feeling and emotion, all of my wants and desires, they are just gone. I don’t know how to get any of it back. I don’t know how not to feel empty. I want my motivation back. I want my will to carry on back. I want my life back. So I guess this is my venting space. No one will probably read it anyway, and it’s better than bitching and moaning on facebook every day.

Let’s Get Real ~ Being a Depressed Mom

I write online a lot. Lately I have been wrapped up in my reviews. I’ve been testing products and posting my opinions online. Helping sellers find other people to test their product has become my life. I take care of my children and my husband. Other than that, I work with my sellers. To the many people I deal with online on a daily basis, they think I am fine. Well I am not.

So here is the blunt ugly truth. I have given up. I am not wanting to die, but I am no longer really wanting to live. My desire to do anything is gone. My will to push through anything is gone. My will to shower daily is gone. I force myself to get dressed daily for the benefit of my children only. My therapist, that I stopped having the will to drive to 3 months ago says that is a good thing. My therapist doesn’t know me too well. I only broke down and went to her 3 times before I flaked out. I get dressed because it is the logical thing to do. Not because of some deep emotional thought, but because with children it is logical to not let them see how hard their mother is having it.

So here I sit. Every day, same cycle. I do what I have to do to get by. I do what I can to survive the day. I hate myself. I can’t look at myself in the mirror. I am withdrawn from the world. I have no friends. Literally. For some reason I say that and people are like ‘oh me too’, and most of the time they are full of shit. I literally do not have a single person outside of my home that I talk to more than once a year, other than my in laws who I talk to once a month when they see their grandchild. NO FRIENDS! My husband is my only friend. I don’t text anyone, I don’t call anyone, I don’t visit anyone, and I don’t have anyone over, ever!

I’m isolated and the only people I love live in the same home as I do. So in case you don’t know, in case you are the likely person who has not followed me over from another site I was a foster kid. I have no family except extended who I only see every few years. I have no one. My childhood was shit. Not little shit, big shit. I’m a survivor of over 10 years of incest rape, emotional abuse, and physical abuse. So yeah, my life has been fucked up. Now I am a 33 year old with serious depression.

I’ve decided to start writing about it more and more. I’m going to be really real here. I’m not writing any of this with any hopes of helping anyone. At this point I got to help myself. I need to do this for me and I couldn’t care less if it helps anyone reading it. My mind is fucked up and my brain is in overload. I am tired of feeling so messed up. I’d like to not feel like a fat slop at 130 pounds. So I am going to do my best to vent.

5 Natural Home Remedies for Athlete’s Foot

What is Athlete’s Foot?

Athlete’s foot is a type of rash located on the foot or both feet. Athlete’s foot is caused by a fungus that grows on or in the top layer of skin. This fungi typically grows best in warm and damp locations such as between the toes.

Athlete’s foot is contagious. You can get it from sharing shoes, showering in public showers without shoes, or walking barefoot in public places that may harbor athlete’s foot.

There are three different types of Athletes foot. Between the three almost every part of your foot can be infected, and in severe cases the toe nails can become infected. This can lead to cracking, pealing, discoloration, or even the nail coming off. However the most common part of the foot to become infected with this fungus is between the toes.

Symptoms of Athlete’s Foot

With all the symptoms of athlete’s foot you would think everyone who had it would know. Unfortunately many suffer from this condition and have no idea. Some even think the symptoms are normal parts of age, working on their feet, or just from walking around bare foot. While some things can cause it the symptoms should never be taken as normal. I want bore you with the details of what Athlete’s foot is since if you are here you probably already know what it is. However here are the symptoms if you are unsure.

Painful cracks between and on the bottom of the toes. Peeling blisters and skin. Toenails become yellow. Finally a warm or itchy feeling may be present.

Natural Home Remedies For Athlete’s Foot

  1. Apple Cider vinegar has been one of the most used natural remedies for athlete’s foot (and really almost all other illnesses). The easiest method is to make a warm foot bath and add a cup of apple cider vinegar. Soak for 15-20 minutes. When you finish dry feet very well. Take an apple cider soaked q-tip and rub along the cuticles. Repeat once or twice a day. Do not put your feet immediately back into shoes. You will need your feet to air out for a bit for them to fully dry before putting shoes or socks back on.
  2. Coconut oil is wonderful for so many things and this is another great use for it. When you wake up in the morning just massage into your feet making sure you get it in between toes and around nails. Let it dry into your foot as best ass possible before adding shoes or socks back on to your feet.
  3. Garlic, while a smelly fix, it does work. It is an antiseptic and anti fungal. You can simply apply crushed raw garlic between the toes and on the nails twice a day for one to two weeks. Now you have to be careful with garlic because too much direct contact with the skin can cause added irritation. The best option is to crush 2 cloves of garlic into a teaspoon of coconut oil. You will then add the blended garlic to your feet. Now you get the added benefits of 2 great products at ones.
  4. Cloves can be used in the form of an essential oil or salve. Apply several times a day or twice a day if using in combination with the garlic. Do not eat any clove essential oil or salve. You can also place the cloves in a food processor with a teaspoon of coconut oil and use it just as you would the garlic. Cloves were used in Chinese medicine since many years B.C.
  5. Tea tree oil is known for its many uses. This is another great use. Just apply a 25% oil solution or cream two to three times a day. The only down side is some dry skin has been reported with long term use. If that is an issue for you and your skin just mix it in with the coconut oil just like with the other 2 natural remedies.

Warning!!!!

While I am very PRO natural remedy you need to keep in mind that when all else fails see a doctor. It’s not recommended to use natural remedies for more than 3 weeks if there are no signs of improvement. Please see a doctor if symptoms do not improve within 3 weeks.

I’m a Bad Mom and That is Okay!

Yes I said it! I’m a Bad Mom!

Please don’t say “oh no, you’re a great mom”. I’m not! It took me a while to come to this point, and for me to realize that I am OK with being a bad mother. My children have a roof, food, clothes, gadgets, toys, and are loved. I have come to the conclusion that I am OK with it just being that.

I created 3 amazing kids, but I am no longer going to pretend I am a great mom. I am someone who wanted children for selfish reasons. My children were all brought into this world so that I could create and be responsible for little people. My lack of family lead me to want to create my own family. Which I did. Now these beautiful little me children are my responsibility, which leads to why I am a bad mother!

10 Reasons I am a Horrible Mom and a Bad Parent

  1. I hate playing with kids! I always have. I would rather talk science or show them how to garden than have a tea party or watch their magic show (did I say I hate magic, well I do I HATE magic even though my oldest loves it). The thing is I have ZERO imagination or creativity! I mean none! I don’t plan on pretending to like any of these things either. I also do not intend to pretend to like playing with dolls or racing little cars around on the floor. I just won’t do it! They can join me outside in the garden or play some minecraft with me, but I will never do the pretend stuff.
  2. I use bad words A LOT!! I mean a lot. I am never going to believe that cussing around my children will some how turn them into horrible people. So yes, I cuss in front of my children. Do I run around dropping the F bomb every two minutes? No, but that has nothing to do with the kids, I just don’t use the F word often. I don’t cuss in front of other people’s children, but mine know that mommy says words that aren’t ok said anywhere other than home or with close friends.
  3. I have zero patience and I’m a control freak! These go together because I am demanding. I want things done the way I want them, when I want them. My expectations are really high! This is not something that goes well with the average view of parenting at all.
  4. I am not a peaceful parent! As much as I like to think I can be a peaceful parent and as much as I TRY to be a peaceful parent, my natural personality leads me to be loud, demanding, and hold my little children to grown up expectations. I keep wanting to be the mom who never raises her voice, that remembers children will be children, and to always treat my kids the way I want to be treated. It doesn’t always work that way for me. I’m a loud person. This goes with the demanding part of me. It’s kind of hard to hold my children to my high expectations AND be a peaceful parent. Sometimes I yell, and (gasp) argue with my tween!
  5. My kids eat fast food sometimes. Once a week we eat food that is horrible for us. Yes I do feed my kids that pink slime (McDonalds) sometimes even though I know it will likely cause cancer for some people.
  6. I don’t home school. This is a big trend right now. I’m happy for those who can make it work, but there is no way in hell I will ever have the want or ability to home school. I really give credit to those who can. Such an amazing ability to keep their kids out of crappy public schools, but my schedule, life, and body will never allow me to home school.
  7. Sometimes breakfast is candy! Yup, I simply give in and say yes to candy for breakfast sometimes! No I do not argue the benefits of a healthy breakfast every single time. I just say “here, have it”
  8. Bed time is Bed time! I mean it. Unless you’re sick, dying, the house is on fire, you have to pee, or there is a burglar in your room I will not come back in and tuck you in 20 times and you will not get up and down. You don’t have to go to sleep, but my kids aren’t going to be bothering me after their bed time. That’s my me time and my couples time with my husband! Sorry, but I have to have uninterrupted time without children each day to stay sane!
  9. I don’t force my children to shower every day. Would I like it if my two stinky boys washed daily? Of course, but I have explained to them the possible consequences of not washing, if they want to deal with it then that’s on them! My toddler gets a bath when she asks unless of course I can no longer tell what color her skin is because she’s covered it in mud.
  10. My kids play a ton of video games and love TV. Everyone in my house enjoys gaming and TV, and (gasp) sometimes a lot! TV’s stay on most of the time in our home and there are 4 tablets usually going at the same time with a possibility that the XBOX might be on too! We are gamers and netflix bingers!

Why Am I OK With Being A Bad Mom?

Until recently I wanted to keep pushing towards being a better parent, to be the parent everyone pretends they are. Then I woke up this morning and said screw it! My kids are smart, healthy, and provided for! I have an 11 year old who is smart beyond my understanding. He’s a critical thinker of all things. He questions everything, and that is amazing! I have a 9 year old who can throw a football further than many grown men. No matter the sport he can conquer it like a natural. He puts me to shame every time he competes against me and I think that is pretty freaking cool! My baby is 4. She is so bright and creative that sometime I forget she is only 4. She’s been drawing little people since she was 1. She draws better than I do. On top of that she has conversations like an adult would. She is the little more amazing version of me!!

So why should I feel bad about being a crappy mom? My kids are cool!! So be NORMAL people! You can read a million studies about what is best for your children, but when it comes down to it if they are happy and healthy, maybe, just maybe, you aren’t that bad of a parent!

To All of You Perfect Parents

No matter how perfect you think your parenting is, reality is we all screw our kids up a little! We just do. You are no different than any of us “bad parents”, your kids might just be screwed up in a different way!

So I will take being a crappy mom, because trying or pretending to be a great mom is exhausting! If my kids will end up messed up either way, I might as well keep myself in the process and not fake it till I make it! After all, we are talking about little people with brains of their owns. As long as they are provided for and not abused they will make it!

I love my kids, they love me! That is all that really matters!